Sunday, April 25, 2010

IAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONE
If apathy were a crime, I believe that I'd be in federal prison.

I think that I have finally come to a place where I cannot move. Every single step feels like it's through a thick wall of sticky syrup. I can't wake up because I don't want to. Every waking moment is a chore...completely unnecessary. How do you fight that?

I focus on the most mundane things...and it makes me sick. Why the hell do I worry so much? Why let something completely occupy 98% of your thoughts when you can't change a single thing about it? I haven't had something take up this much of my brain EVER. EEEEVVVEEERRR. It's like a damn stick stuck in the gears of my life.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I have no fucking clue

You awaken, but without the strength to open your eyes yet. Your only company is that strange buzzing noise that accompanies complete and utter silence. You are aware of your body...somewhat, and of the fact that you are unclothed. You are floating in nothing...completely unsupported, uncaring. As your mind awakens, you wonder why it is you are there, and why you are floating. Suddenly, you feel the floor beneath you, as if it had always been there...but it's strange. At first it seems to be the same temperature as your body, but it takes no heat. Where your weight would normally compress your skin, bones, and muscles into the floor, you simply rest on the single molecules that make contact with the floor. The floor just simply exists. Finally, your eyelids overcome their lethargy and slide open, but it is complete and utter blackness that greets you. Though you strain to see, only phantom images swim before you. Ironically...you feel no fear. The darkness you are accustomed to usually embodies the unknown...the ultimate blend of discovery and fear. This darkness, however absolute, encompasses absolutely nothing at all. Intuitively, you sense that the darkness is only as you imagine it, first a blanket of blackness that leaves you barely enough room for shallow breaths (but do you really need to breathe?), then a vast empty chamber, then just a small room. Your eyes convey only blackness, but you sense the area around you. You sit up slowly...just enough to regain your sense of orientation. Suddenly, gravity exists again, as though it were there to assist your mind's acceptance of your surroundings. Where a normal body would exhibit signs of deep sleep, you feel wide awake, no need for excrement, no hunger, not even the itch of eyes stuck together with the congealed mixture of dust and corneal lubricant.
"I wish I could see..."
And then there was light. It resonates from anywhere and everywhere, filling the darkness that is your world. You are not startled. In fact, your state of mind could be considered nothing else than completely content. You consider standing only to find that you already are, supported by legs that could stand for an eternity. You look downward to see that the floor exists only where you need it, where you will it to be. Your nakedness disconcerts you...and suddenly you are clothed in a simple loose tunic. "Why am I here?" you speak aloud.
"Because you are, and always will be."
The voice resonates from everywhere, and nowhere. It is in your mind and in your soul, but it doesn't hurt at all.
"You exist because you will it. As your soul was contained in your body, so has it now been freed. You are everything, as everything is a part of you. This is your world. Shape it as you will."
So sooner had the thought entered your mind than you suddenly stood on a beautiful island, the ocean lapping at the shore. If someone had said "Imagine an island" to you, this would be the place. It is absolutely perfect. Suddenly, the perfect rolling meadow, a tropical rain forest, a beautiful canyon. From your mind the world explodes around you, as perfect as you deem it to be. Untamed, unmastered. And then the creatures! Birds, beasts, fish...all from your mind. But why stop there? Dragons, with huge magical wings and hides of jewels. A beautiful city of mer-people. Giants, peagasi, flying sea serpents, MAGIC! "WHY NOT?! WHY SHALL IT NOT BE?!" Nations are created, nations of people. Not just humans, no. elves, dwarves, orcs, goblins, and more. On a whim, scaly creatures that seem to blend in with the night, save for their glowing yellow eyes. Elemental beings that thrive in lava flows, or floating in clouds, or flowing through rivers. Races of talking animals. Huge creatures that balance themselves on eight legs as thick as hundred year old oak trees as they stride across the great planes that they rule. More, more, more...And who to rule this reality but you? It is, after all, the product of your will. Your world. You are the master of this world, and it will bend its will to your whim...

This realm is familiar to us all...the realm of the mind. Though you may not be able to bend the area outside of your skull, inside, you are the master. You are in control, and it is the only place in this universe that this is true. Seize it...use it. It is your only weapon.