Hooray for losing it...definitely just yelled into an empty car while sitting in my driveway for 20 minutes. I feel so effing USELESS sometimes. Even when I give something 130%, all it takes is a tiny little flick from an outside force and POOF! Back again. Man, it would be so easy to just say fuck it and forget it, but nope. I have to be a stubborn jackass about everything. Oh well. I'll sit here and stew in my pot of apathetic loser-ness by myself as usual, thank you very much. I'll get the fuck over it.

Frankly my dear, I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

I find it sad and pathetic that I let things like this get to me, but God dammit I'm scared. I feel like I'm on the edge of a knife, just waiting to fall off. And instead of getting up and trying to do something about it I sit here at my computer and rant into cyberspace to a blinking cursor, as if it will help. I just have this nagging feeling in my chest that something will go wrong. It has to. What have I done to deserve anything good in my life? What debt have I paid to society? More importantly, who gives a flying fuck? Son of a bitch. Why fucking bother.

On a better note, the one person that actually reads this self-absorbed nonsense happens to be the only person that grounds me to this world. Thank you.

Fuck

Have you ever been rolling along on top of the fucking world and then someone (could be anyone) tells you something new. It doesn't have to be a big something. In fact, when you really look at it, its quite trivial. But it is there nonetheless. It acts like a parasite. One minute, everything is great, but the next there's this little nagging suspicion. It whispers at you and nags and pokes till it gains a little power...then it becomes doubt. Now doubt is a little bigger force to be reckoned with. Doubt has the ability to affect even the purest of emotions sometimes, however indirectly. You may still feel the same way (completely, absolutely, forever) but in the presence of doubt, you begin to pit it against other emotions, such as self loathing, inadequacy, feeeaaarrrr...the fear that you might be living a lie. The fear that everything you know might be a lie. Or even worse...the feeling that you might just be some freak...a pathetic, psychotically obsessed piece of shit that over thinks everything because you don't know how to cope with hearing said little piece of information.

I guess what I'm saying is maybe I should start being a little more selective of what I believe. But...the question remains, who to trust? The informant, or the subject of the information?

I'm sorry. I really do care. And I miss you.

IAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONEIAMNOTAFUCKINGWRENCHWHYAMITRYINGTOBEONE

If apathy were a crime, I believe that I'd be in federal prison.

I think that I have finally come to a place where I cannot move. Every single step feels like it's through a thick wall of sticky syrup. I can't wake up because I don't want to. Every waking moment is a chore...completely unnecessary. How do you fight that?

I focus on the most mundane things...and it makes me sick. Why the hell do I worry so much? Why let something completely occupy 98% of your thoughts when you can't change a single thing about it? I haven't had something take up this much of my brain EVER. EEEEVVVEEERRR. It's like a damn stick stuck in the gears of my life.