That gut feeling...

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Are you satisfied? Do you see failure? I'm not talking about the outside. The external you is only a ghost of what you have to offer; the tip of the iceberg. I want to know what I'm going to find when I stare deep into your eyes and catch a glimpse of your soul. Can you tell me? I seriously doubt that. When was the last time you took a step back from the ongoing painting that is your life, and carefully examined each little brush stroke that defines you? Lately I've had this horrid pain in my stomach that won't go away. It's creeping into every aspect of my life and eating away at what meager enthusiasm I have left for this world. I feel stretched thin...like butter over too much bread. The more I search for the cause, the cloudier my brain gets and the more the answer eludes my grasp. I need help. I need someone to hand me a magnifying glass to see my painting...something to critique my skill with the brush. It hurts to feel weak, but I'm sick and tired of being the sole source of rationality among my relations. Its too taxing to cope with people that refuse to accept that I am indeed a human, with human emotions and a human level of stamina. God...I'm sorry. I know I ask too much, and I really don't deserve your help anymore, but please give me a hint. Show me how to do it, just this once. I know you're listening...you always do. Its not fair to ask my friends and loved ones anymore... and I don't know where else to turn. For some reason, it feels more productive to post this on the internet, as if you'll read it somehow. Thanks...if you do. I'm sorry for wasting what gifts you've given me and for being a bad person. I just...need SOMETHING

At what point does your life become unhealthy? When are you allowed to say fuck it, crawl in your turtle shell and just stop? And more importantly...how in the world do you let it get that bad? The Americans in the past had to worry about drinking dirty water, because they might die from cholera. But! As the ages of technological advancement eliminate one problem, we find another. This time, Ourselves! All we need now is just some bull shit in our life, and we get SO FUCKING STRESSED that we stop eating. Just start wasting away as the damned needle points further and further to the left. You stare at it ashamed, feeling like the biggest hypocrite in the world, but it just keeps on ticking backwards, like a clock ticking down into nothing, sucking you into the void that you hate so much. The thought of food disgusts you, not because its going to make you fat, but because an hour later some other bullshit is going to come along that will stress you the fuck out and make you give it back to the world unprocessed (such a kind soul he is, open your mouths little birdies!). I don't even know what the hell I'm doing writing this, it isn't like it'll even help.

Why?

Why do we automatically think that our problems are the worst? Isn't it possible that someone out there has it worse than you? Maybe if we opened our minds a little and actually LOOKED AROUND rather than sitting in a box, we would be able to appreciate the things we have that others don't. Life is a fucking garden baby, so dig it. Don't sit around in the damned fertilizer and rot away. You want something good to come from your life, then make it happen. There are very few things in this world the human imagination cannot create. You are your own worst enemy when it comes to your dreams being shattered. The only person telling you NO is you. So quit saying it! Just stop! And quit complaining! Stand up for yourself. You wana fix something, then do it. I can't take it any more. People want you to hand them a better life. "Fix my problems, stop other people from hurting me." YOU ARE THE ONE THAT ALLOWS IT. So just fucking stop it, and stop complaining about it.
your asshole friend,
yourself

im scared

Tell me a secret

I wrote this a while ago

Alright. I am officially SICK AND TIRED of excuses. So many. " I was beaten by my father, my mother died, I got laid off." You know what life says to excuses? SO WHAT!!! LIFE GOES ON!!! Excuses are destroying our country. We sit around and blame everyone else for our dang problems rather than take a look in the mirror and taking control of our own lives. What is the point of sitting around and making excuses when you could be out there DOING. Yes, you may have had an epically tragic life, wrought with sorrow and misfortune. For that...I am deeply sorry, because in an ideal world, nobody would suffer, there would be no pain, and we would know everything. Unfortunately for us, the world is a cruel place, filled with cruel people, and these cruel people are constantly trying to get ahead. They take advantage of the weak, and hurt the poor. They have no compassion for you, your neighbor, or anyone but themselves. It is precisely this group of people that divides us into your have's and have not's. There are two types of people in this world, and its not good or evil. Its the people that sit back and let life ride them, and the people that seize the reins and steer it where they want to go. So you got into a car accident yesterday. Are you really going to wake up and paint the day with negative emotions? Or are you going to get up and say "today is a new day, and it's what I make of it?" Humans have an awful habit of allowing their pasts to rule them. There is a REASON we sat through those boring history classes and memorized senseless dates till we went nuts: so we can learn from the past, accept it, and move on. Open yourself to what life has to offer TOMORROW, not what happened yesterday. Yesterday already happened, and you can never have it back. You've made your choice. Now you have to make a choice to either 1.) Dwell on choice 1 or 2.) Make another choice involving now, rather than then. Use choice 1 as a learning experience. You made it, and whether it was wrong or right, it is now a part of you, and you can take it and learn from it, or you can ignore the power of the information that you have obtained. My favorite quote is one that I first heard in the movie "Kung Fu Panda," and although I am sure they ripped the quote from somewhere else, I kinda like how I picked it up. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, and thats why they call it the present." Carpe Diem mother effer. Seize the damn day before it seizes you, because if you let it, life will bend you over the table and take you for a ride.

If I can't handle your past, then I don't deserve your present or future. I love everything that makes you you...everything.